Found these analogies online. Made me laugh out loud. Thought maybe that some of my readers who are college or high school students (there are a few out there) could work these into a paper to assure a good grade. Enjoy.
The 25 Funniest Analogies (Collected by High School English Teachers)
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Christmas In The Land Of Kim-Chi
It's coming on Christmas, they're cutting down trees. They're putting up reindeer and singing songs of joy and peace... not in Korea! If you're overwhelmed with the month-long pagentry of Christmas in the U.S.A. then you should experience the underwhelming event that is Korean Christmas.
The odd thing here is that unless I were talking to people back home, or watching Good Morning America in the morning, I wouldn't even remember that it's Christmas time. The entire month of December has been free from images of Santa Claus (except for the store called "Santa Claus" which is much like Claire's in the U.S.), reindeer, Christmas trees, turkeys, holly, wreaths, Christmas lights, mistletoe, Christmas carols, nativity scenes, and any and everything related to Christmas. There are no ostentatious toy displays in stores, no crowds of people in a buying frenzy, no department store Santas, no egg nog, no cocoa, no candy canes. You get the picture.
Now, the week before Christmas, you start to see tiny signs of the upcoming holiday. My landlady put a little Christmas tree in the "lobby" of my building (which is little more than a landing really). The Catholic church which is my neighbor had some Christmas lights up, as well as a banner with a nativity scene. Walking through town you could see maybe one out of every ten stores had a little tree or other Christmas thing in the window.
The weekend of Christmas you could walk through town and hear strangely familiar Christmas carols. Techno remixes of Jingle Bells or Let It Snow sung in Korean. Oddly familiar yet completely foreign. Is this Christmas in Korea? How strange.
As for the day itself, it is nothing here. Despite the number of Christian churches and the insane amount of zealous "born again" type Christians in Korea (you meet them everywhere, and they're very devout) Christmas day is like any other. The stores are open. Some Koreans may go to church, but that is the only bit of extra activity for the day. There are no gifts given. It is just a day to be with your family. My students said that they just watched tv and played computer games (which is what they do everyday).
As for my Christmas, I have a cold. I spent the day in my apartment, napping, chatting with family and friends. Nothing special to report. So, from a very underwhelmed place in life, let me wish you all a Merry Christmas. Now, go eat some kim-chi.
The odd thing here is that unless I were talking to people back home, or watching Good Morning America in the morning, I wouldn't even remember that it's Christmas time. The entire month of December has been free from images of Santa Claus (except for the store called "Santa Claus" which is much like Claire's in the U.S.), reindeer, Christmas trees, turkeys, holly, wreaths, Christmas lights, mistletoe, Christmas carols, nativity scenes, and any and everything related to Christmas. There are no ostentatious toy displays in stores, no crowds of people in a buying frenzy, no department store Santas, no egg nog, no cocoa, no candy canes. You get the picture.
Now, the week before Christmas, you start to see tiny signs of the upcoming holiday. My landlady put a little Christmas tree in the "lobby" of my building (which is little more than a landing really). The Catholic church which is my neighbor had some Christmas lights up, as well as a banner with a nativity scene. Walking through town you could see maybe one out of every ten stores had a little tree or other Christmas thing in the window.
The weekend of Christmas you could walk through town and hear strangely familiar Christmas carols. Techno remixes of Jingle Bells or Let It Snow sung in Korean. Oddly familiar yet completely foreign. Is this Christmas in Korea? How strange.
As for the day itself, it is nothing here. Despite the number of Christian churches and the insane amount of zealous "born again" type Christians in Korea (you meet them everywhere, and they're very devout) Christmas day is like any other. The stores are open. Some Koreans may go to church, but that is the only bit of extra activity for the day. There are no gifts given. It is just a day to be with your family. My students said that they just watched tv and played computer games (which is what they do everyday).
As for my Christmas, I have a cold. I spent the day in my apartment, napping, chatting with family and friends. Nothing special to report. So, from a very underwhelmed place in life, let me wish you all a Merry Christmas. Now, go eat some kim-chi.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
La Vie D'or
I found out yesterday at the end of the day that I have to return to La Vie D'or, the scene of my new-teacher orientation, and my first food poisoning in Korea. Apparently it's a mandetory 2 day thing for foreign teachers. However, none of the other teachers I know have heard about it. I'm not going to be the only one food poisoned here. I don't want to go.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Anime
Ever wonder what I would look like if I were an anime character? Well, the wait is over. This was drawn by my new friend Won. He wants to be a cartoonist. I think it's an awesome picture.
Problems
Well, my school is informing me that I will not be getting a pay raise from my TEFL certificate. They claim that the pay rate cannot be adjusted until I have a new contract (april). When I told them that many many teachers have gotten this raise, they said that their schools were doing wrong things that would get them in trouble if their books were audited.
So now I've had to email the foreigner liason with the province office. Hopefully she can straighten this out. She's faxing over the paperwork that they should have on file here, but maybe don't, which shows how the pay raises are supposed to happen. Everyone keep your fingers crossed.
So now I've had to email the foreigner liason with the province office. Hopefully she can straighten this out. She's faxing over the paperwork that they should have on file here, but maybe don't, which shows how the pay raises are supposed to happen. Everyone keep your fingers crossed.
Cell Phone
Well, I'm Korean... it's official. If the food didn't prove it, I now have a cell phone. It's a fact. I broke down and bought a used cell phone. It's tiny. It's adorable, a yellow/green color. It has no camera, but it's a good phone. I only paid $60 for it. I put $40 on it (it's a card phone), which will give me 4 months worth of service, about 300 minutes or so. The most important thing is that it's in English. But, I do know how to enter things in Korean now. So, my Korean contacts have their info in Korean. I'm so awesome.
It's Bootleg Baby!
Went to Seoul this weekend. Found for the first time the vendor selling bootleg dvds. Amazing. I bought Borat, Just Friends, The Devil Wears Prada, You Me and Dupree, and Pan's Labrynth.
I watched Pan's Labrynth. It's really an interesting and good movie. Spanish. A bit graphic though. Anyway, I'm enjoying this. Bootleg is the way to go.
I'm also downloading a lot of movies now. It's a good way to see what you catch just part of on the T.V.
I watched Pan's Labrynth. It's really an interesting and good movie. Spanish. A bit graphic though. Anyway, I'm enjoying this. Bootleg is the way to go.
I'm also downloading a lot of movies now. It's a good way to see what you catch just part of on the T.V.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Citron Tea
Tell me, do we have this in the U.S.A. I don't remember ever seeing it. So, in Korea they have citron tea and it's incredibly delicious. It comes in a big jar, like a big applesauce jar. It looks like marmalade. It's full of cut up citrons, honey, sugar. You put some in a cup, fill with hot water, stir it up. Oh man, it's good. Have you ever heard of such a thing in the states? You should all try it. Lots of vitamin C and sweet honey. Good stuff.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Assimilation
Well, the assimilation is almost complete. Excellent. What a Mr. Burns kind of thing to say.
Saturday I took a guided tour of the GS Supermarket with Victoria and one of her co-teachers. I now know what everything is in the market, given it would have been more helpful 7 months ago.
I bought kim-chi, tofu, and hot red pepper paste. Oh my God. I never thought I'd live to see the day that I bought kim-chi to keep at home. Was this the goal of all of those teachers insisting that I eat kim-chi at lunch? Was it just to boost the sales of kim-chi at the supermarket andmake one more person eat this not incredibly tasty item? And what made me feel compelled to buy some for home?
I also cooked my first wholy Koreay meal. I made bibimbap. This means that I used my rice cooker (for the second time in my life, the first time was to make rice pudding), stir fried some garlic shoots (which are amazing, we need to start eating them in the USA) and bean sprouts. Cooked up some merinated tofu. Put it in some rice with red pepper paste. Voila. It was pretty good. I also threw in a couple of kim-chi filled dumplings... just for variety.
Clearly, something is wrong with me. I'm cooking and eating Korean food by choice. The assimilation is nearing completion. Anyday now I will be obsessively text messaging from my $800 cell phone or staring mindlessly at myself in the mirror. Maybe my assimilation will come in the form of spitting on the floor continually or being violent towards everyone. Who knows. I may need some deprograming when I return home... the kind where you hire some guys in a van to kidnap me in the middle of the day, blindfold me, and take me to some undisclosed locale and grill me under a solitary hanging light until my spirit is broken and I start sobbing for my mommy. That may be necessary. Maybe you should start scouring the want ads for such people.
Saturday I took a guided tour of the GS Supermarket with Victoria and one of her co-teachers. I now know what everything is in the market, given it would have been more helpful 7 months ago.
I bought kim-chi, tofu, and hot red pepper paste. Oh my God. I never thought I'd live to see the day that I bought kim-chi to keep at home. Was this the goal of all of those teachers insisting that I eat kim-chi at lunch? Was it just to boost the sales of kim-chi at the supermarket andmake one more person eat this not incredibly tasty item? And what made me feel compelled to buy some for home?
I also cooked my first wholy Koreay meal. I made bibimbap. This means that I used my rice cooker (for the second time in my life, the first time was to make rice pudding), stir fried some garlic shoots (which are amazing, we need to start eating them in the USA) and bean sprouts. Cooked up some merinated tofu. Put it in some rice with red pepper paste. Voila. It was pretty good. I also threw in a couple of kim-chi filled dumplings... just for variety.
Clearly, something is wrong with me. I'm cooking and eating Korean food by choice. The assimilation is nearing completion. Anyday now I will be obsessively text messaging from my $800 cell phone or staring mindlessly at myself in the mirror. Maybe my assimilation will come in the form of spitting on the floor continually or being violent towards everyone. Who knows. I may need some deprograming when I return home... the kind where you hire some guys in a van to kidnap me in the middle of the day, blindfold me, and take me to some undisclosed locale and grill me under a solitary hanging light until my spirit is broken and I start sobbing for my mommy. That may be necessary. Maybe you should start scouring the want ads for such people.
Friday, December 08, 2006
My Tongue is Broken
Say this one fast for some fun times:
Betty Botter had some butter,
"But," she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter,
It would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter --
that would make my batter better."
So she bought a bit of butter,
better than her bitter butter,
and she baked it in her batter,
and the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter
bought a bit of better butter.
That was hard to type too!
How about this one?
Can you imagine an imaginary menagerie manager
imagining managing an imaginary menagerie?
In any class, tongue twisters are fun. What's your favorite one?
Betty Botter had some butter,
"But," she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter,
It would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter --
that would make my batter better."
So she bought a bit of butter,
better than her bitter butter,
and she baked it in her batter,
and the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter
bought a bit of better butter.
That was hard to type too!
How about this one?
Can you imagine an imaginary menagerie manager
imagining managing an imaginary menagerie?
In any class, tongue twisters are fun. What's your favorite one?
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Make It Stop
I'm sitting here in the middle of an impromptu teachers' meeting. I'm waiting for it to end so I can leave a tad bit early to get to the bank. There is no sign of end to this meeting. It's been going on for over an hour. An hour of the vice-principal talking and talking and talking... in Korean. When will it end? Maybe never. There are 2 more hours left in the day and I could see this lasting until then. Remember the song "This is the song that doesn't end. Yes it goes on and on my friends..." Well... "This is the meeting that doens't end. Yes it goes on and on my friends..."
Bulgogi and Beer
Last night I got together with one of the new teachers that I met at the Thanksgiving party (remember that?). Brandon is a new teacher, been in Korea for about 2 months teaching elementary school. He's from South Africa, so he has that accent that you never hear and really can't quite place.
Well, we went to the cheese bulgogi restaurant, because he hadn't had it before and it is the best that my city has to offer in terms of palatable Korean food (although the Koreans refer to it as "Western" food). Of course he enjoyed the meal. More than that, we enjoyed the conversation.
Brandon is very articulate. He did most of the talking. It was a nice change for me. Usually I'm the one doing the talking, and no one listens. Topics covered ranged from literature (he's the only other person I know who has read 'Oblomov') to Korean culture. While we were talking, the owner of the restaurant kept standing in front of a space heater and lightly toasting her buttocks. We of course discussed that, and her giant extra-tall shoes. Good times.
After the bulgogi, we went to bar Ouzo and had a couple of drinks. More conversation. Brandon then came to see my apartment and decided that his place is a real hole compared to mine (but really, everyone's apartment is a hole compared to mine).
I have to say that the entire evening was enjoyable for me. I adore Victoria, but having a new person to talk to and listen to is always exciting. Not only that, Brandon is in the negative space that I was in until recently. I can do my best to act as therapist and help him to feel less trapped and confined in Korea. I'm sure that we will be meeting more often, especially since interesting conversation in Korea is in short supply.
Well, we went to the cheese bulgogi restaurant, because he hadn't had it before and it is the best that my city has to offer in terms of palatable Korean food (although the Koreans refer to it as "Western" food). Of course he enjoyed the meal. More than that, we enjoyed the conversation.
Brandon is very articulate. He did most of the talking. It was a nice change for me. Usually I'm the one doing the talking, and no one listens. Topics covered ranged from literature (he's the only other person I know who has read 'Oblomov') to Korean culture. While we were talking, the owner of the restaurant kept standing in front of a space heater and lightly toasting her buttocks. We of course discussed that, and her giant extra-tall shoes. Good times.
After the bulgogi, we went to bar Ouzo and had a couple of drinks. More conversation. Brandon then came to see my apartment and decided that his place is a real hole compared to mine (but really, everyone's apartment is a hole compared to mine).
I have to say that the entire evening was enjoyable for me. I adore Victoria, but having a new person to talk to and listen to is always exciting. Not only that, Brandon is in the negative space that I was in until recently. I can do my best to act as therapist and help him to feel less trapped and confined in Korea. I'm sure that we will be meeting more often, especially since interesting conversation in Korea is in short supply.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Snow
It's snowing! Now, it may be just a dusting, but my students are so excited about it. Apparenlty it's the Korean equivalent of a blizzard. This has other meanings though as well.
With no heat in the hallways and half-inch gaps around all outside doors, the halls are only a degree or two warmer than outside. The classrooms are quite warm, but you open that door to the hall. Woosh. You got a Siberian breeze blowing in your face. It does wonders to wake you up when you're too sleepy.
It's final exam time right now as well. This means that since I'm such a vital cog in the Juksan Comprehensive High School machine, that I'm co-observing students taking their tests. This officially means that I stand there, drink my tea, and maybe hand out a new scantron sheet when the kids need one. Oh, and sometimes I pick up a pen for them if they drop one. Excitement. Other than that, I'm generally bored out of my mind.
Today I was invited to a co-teacher's wedding. It's the first invite I've gotten to anything in Korea. It's actually quite exciting for me. I'm going to try and make it. What does one give as a wedding gift in Korea? I'm going to have to ask about that one. I've been assured that there will be plenty of delicious food there. Just as long as it isn't squid, and doesn't have the eyes still attached... then I'll be happy.
That's all the news that is fit to print fron Anseong. Where the women are strong, the men are good looking, and all the children are above average.
With no heat in the hallways and half-inch gaps around all outside doors, the halls are only a degree or two warmer than outside. The classrooms are quite warm, but you open that door to the hall. Woosh. You got a Siberian breeze blowing in your face. It does wonders to wake you up when you're too sleepy.
It's final exam time right now as well. This means that since I'm such a vital cog in the Juksan Comprehensive High School machine, that I'm co-observing students taking their tests. This officially means that I stand there, drink my tea, and maybe hand out a new scantron sheet when the kids need one. Oh, and sometimes I pick up a pen for them if they drop one. Excitement. Other than that, I'm generally bored out of my mind.
Today I was invited to a co-teacher's wedding. It's the first invite I've gotten to anything in Korea. It's actually quite exciting for me. I'm going to try and make it. What does one give as a wedding gift in Korea? I'm going to have to ask about that one. I've been assured that there will be plenty of delicious food there. Just as long as it isn't squid, and doesn't have the eyes still attached... then I'll be happy.
That's all the news that is fit to print fron Anseong. Where the women are strong, the men are good looking, and all the children are above average.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Not Again!!!
Thursday night was a night like every other. I was home, relaxing before going to bed. For dinner I'd had a couple of eggs and some toast. Nothing exciting.
Around 10 o'clock my stomach started to get upset. I took some pepto (which I got from the military base months ago). That didn't do anything for me. My back started to hurt really bad. I started to sweat quite a bit, eventhough it was freezing outside and kinda chilly in my apartment. Then I started to projectile vomit. Uh oh. Not good. Been there, done that.
I called my co-teacher who lives closest to me, and got ready for him to take me to the hospital. At the ER they gave me a shot in the butt (of course). Ten minutes later it was over. The entire incident from beginning to end was an hour.
What the hell is going on? Well, the doctor said that my stomach was contracting severely (duh?). This caused the vomitting. The contracting put pressure on a nerve causing the pain in the back.
Okay. But why? Well, the doc said it could have been food, but it was isolated. The last times when it was food poisoning I was vomitting for a week. The doc said it was most likely caused by stress.
Where is this stress coming from? I don't quite know. My best guess is that it's coming from my extreme exhaustion that is the norm for me these past few months. I'm going to the doctor to check about me possibly having sleep apnea. So, I'm sleeping very poorly. Other than that, I have no idea. My kids are watching a movie right now. School is easy. Finished my TEFL course. Where is the stress?
I hope that this doesn't happen again anytime soon. The pain is so severe. I don't really want to experience that anymore. Why has this only happened to me in Korea? I don't get it.
Around 10 o'clock my stomach started to get upset. I took some pepto (which I got from the military base months ago). That didn't do anything for me. My back started to hurt really bad. I started to sweat quite a bit, eventhough it was freezing outside and kinda chilly in my apartment. Then I started to projectile vomit. Uh oh. Not good. Been there, done that.
I called my co-teacher who lives closest to me, and got ready for him to take me to the hospital. At the ER they gave me a shot in the butt (of course). Ten minutes later it was over. The entire incident from beginning to end was an hour.
What the hell is going on? Well, the doctor said that my stomach was contracting severely (duh?). This caused the vomitting. The contracting put pressure on a nerve causing the pain in the back.
Okay. But why? Well, the doc said it could have been food, but it was isolated. The last times when it was food poisoning I was vomitting for a week. The doc said it was most likely caused by stress.
Where is this stress coming from? I don't quite know. My best guess is that it's coming from my extreme exhaustion that is the norm for me these past few months. I'm going to the doctor to check about me possibly having sleep apnea. So, I'm sleeping very poorly. Other than that, I have no idea. My kids are watching a movie right now. School is easy. Finished my TEFL course. Where is the stress?
I hope that this doesn't happen again anytime soon. The pain is so severe. I don't really want to experience that anymore. Why has this only happened to me in Korea? I don't get it.
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