Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Analogies

Found these analogies online. Made me laugh out loud. Thought maybe that some of my readers who are college or high school students (there are a few out there) could work these into a paper to assure a good grade. Enjoy.

The 25 Funniest Analogies (Collected by High School English Teachers)

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Christmas In The Land Of Kim-Chi

It's coming on Christmas, they're cutting down trees. They're putting up reindeer and singing songs of joy and peace... not in Korea! If you're overwhelmed with the month-long pagentry of Christmas in the U.S.A. then you should experience the underwhelming event that is Korean Christmas.

The odd thing here is that unless I were talking to people back home, or watching Good Morning America in the morning, I wouldn't even remember that it's Christmas time. The entire month of December has been free from images of Santa Claus (except for the store called "Santa Claus" which is much like Claire's in the U.S.), reindeer, Christmas trees, turkeys, holly, wreaths, Christmas lights, mistletoe, Christmas carols, nativity scenes, and any and everything related to Christmas. There are no ostentatious toy displays in stores, no crowds of people in a buying frenzy, no department store Santas, no egg nog, no cocoa, no candy canes. You get the picture.

Now, the week before Christmas, you start to see tiny signs of the upcoming holiday. My landlady put a little Christmas tree in the "lobby" of my building (which is little more than a landing really). The Catholic church which is my neighbor had some Christmas lights up, as well as a banner with a nativity scene. Walking through town you could see maybe one out of every ten stores had a little tree or other Christmas thing in the window.

The weekend of Christmas you could walk through town and hear strangely familiar Christmas carols. Techno remixes of Jingle Bells or Let It Snow sung in Korean. Oddly familiar yet completely foreign. Is this Christmas in Korea? How strange.

As for the day itself, it is nothing here. Despite the number of Christian churches and the insane amount of zealous "born again" type Christians in Korea (you meet them everywhere, and they're very devout) Christmas day is like any other. The stores are open. Some Koreans may go to church, but that is the only bit of extra activity for the day. There are no gifts given. It is just a day to be with your family. My students said that they just watched tv and played computer games (which is what they do everyday).

As for my Christmas, I have a cold. I spent the day in my apartment, napping, chatting with family and friends. Nothing special to report. So, from a very underwhelmed place in life, let me wish you all a Merry Christmas. Now, go eat some kim-chi.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

La Vie D'or

I found out yesterday at the end of the day that I have to return to La Vie D'or, the scene of my new-teacher orientation, and my first food poisoning in Korea. Apparently it's a mandetory 2 day thing for foreign teachers. However, none of the other teachers I know have heard about it. I'm not going to be the only one food poisoned here. I don't want to go.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Anime

Ever wonder what I would look like if I were an anime character? Well, the wait is over. This was drawn by my new friend Won. He wants to be a cartoonist. I think it's an awesome picture.

Problems

Well, my school is informing me that I will not be getting a pay raise from my TEFL certificate. They claim that the pay rate cannot be adjusted until I have a new contract (april). When I told them that many many teachers have gotten this raise, they said that their schools were doing wrong things that would get them in trouble if their books were audited.

So now I've had to email the foreigner liason with the province office. Hopefully she can straighten this out. She's faxing over the paperwork that they should have on file here, but maybe don't, which shows how the pay raises are supposed to happen. Everyone keep your fingers crossed.

Cell Phone

Well, I'm Korean... it's official. If the food didn't prove it, I now have a cell phone. It's a fact. I broke down and bought a used cell phone. It's tiny. It's adorable, a yellow/green color. It has no camera, but it's a good phone. I only paid $60 for it. I put $40 on it (it's a card phone), which will give me 4 months worth of service, about 300 minutes or so. The most important thing is that it's in English. But, I do know how to enter things in Korean now. So, my Korean contacts have their info in Korean. I'm so awesome.

It's Bootleg Baby!

Went to Seoul this weekend. Found for the first time the vendor selling bootleg dvds. Amazing. I bought Borat, Just Friends, The Devil Wears Prada, You Me and Dupree, and Pan's Labrynth.

I watched Pan's Labrynth. It's really an interesting and good movie. Spanish. A bit graphic though. Anyway, I'm enjoying this. Bootleg is the way to go.

I'm also downloading a lot of movies now. It's a good way to see what you catch just part of on the T.V.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Citron Tea

Tell me, do we have this in the U.S.A. I don't remember ever seeing it. So, in Korea they have citron tea and it's incredibly delicious. It comes in a big jar, like a big applesauce jar. It looks like marmalade. It's full of cut up citrons, honey, sugar. You put some in a cup, fill with hot water, stir it up. Oh man, it's good. Have you ever heard of such a thing in the states? You should all try it. Lots of vitamin C and sweet honey. Good stuff.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Assimilation

Well, the assimilation is almost complete. Excellent. What a Mr. Burns kind of thing to say.

Saturday I took a guided tour of the GS Supermarket with Victoria and one of her co-teachers. I now know what everything is in the market, given it would have been more helpful 7 months ago.

I bought kim-chi, tofu, and hot red pepper paste. Oh my God. I never thought I'd live to see the day that I bought kim-chi to keep at home. Was this the goal of all of those teachers insisting that I eat kim-chi at lunch? Was it just to boost the sales of kim-chi at the supermarket andmake one more person eat this not incredibly tasty item? And what made me feel compelled to buy some for home?

I also cooked my first wholy Koreay meal. I made bibimbap. This means that I used my rice cooker (for the second time in my life, the first time was to make rice pudding), stir fried some garlic shoots (which are amazing, we need to start eating them in the USA) and bean sprouts. Cooked up some merinated tofu. Put it in some rice with red pepper paste. Voila. It was pretty good. I also threw in a couple of kim-chi filled dumplings... just for variety.

Clearly, something is wrong with me. I'm cooking and eating Korean food by choice. The assimilation is nearing completion. Anyday now I will be obsessively text messaging from my $800 cell phone or staring mindlessly at myself in the mirror. Maybe my assimilation will come in the form of spitting on the floor continually or being violent towards everyone. Who knows. I may need some deprograming when I return home... the kind where you hire some guys in a van to kidnap me in the middle of the day, blindfold me, and take me to some undisclosed locale and grill me under a solitary hanging light until my spirit is broken and I start sobbing for my mommy. That may be necessary. Maybe you should start scouring the want ads for such people.

Friday, December 08, 2006

My Tongue is Broken

Say this one fast for some fun times:

Betty Botter had some butter,
"But," she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter,
It would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter --
that would make my batter better."

So she bought a bit of butter,
better than her bitter butter,
and she baked it in her batter,
and the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter
bought a bit of better butter.

That was hard to type too!
How about this one?

Can you imagine an imaginary menagerie manager
imagining managing an imaginary menagerie?

In any class, tongue twisters are fun. What's your favorite one?

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Make It Stop

I'm sitting here in the middle of an impromptu teachers' meeting. I'm waiting for it to end so I can leave a tad bit early to get to the bank. There is no sign of end to this meeting. It's been going on for over an hour. An hour of the vice-principal talking and talking and talking... in Korean. When will it end? Maybe never. There are 2 more hours left in the day and I could see this lasting until then. Remember the song "This is the song that doesn't end. Yes it goes on and on my friends..." Well... "This is the meeting that doens't end. Yes it goes on and on my friends..."

Bulgogi and Beer

Last night I got together with one of the new teachers that I met at the Thanksgiving party (remember that?). Brandon is a new teacher, been in Korea for about 2 months teaching elementary school. He's from South Africa, so he has that accent that you never hear and really can't quite place.

Well, we went to the cheese bulgogi restaurant, because he hadn't had it before and it is the best that my city has to offer in terms of palatable Korean food (although the Koreans refer to it as "Western" food). Of course he enjoyed the meal. More than that, we enjoyed the conversation.

Brandon is very articulate. He did most of the talking. It was a nice change for me. Usually I'm the one doing the talking, and no one listens. Topics covered ranged from literature (he's the only other person I know who has read 'Oblomov') to Korean culture. While we were talking, the owner of the restaurant kept standing in front of a space heater and lightly toasting her buttocks. We of course discussed that, and her giant extra-tall shoes. Good times.

After the bulgogi, we went to bar Ouzo and had a couple of drinks. More conversation. Brandon then came to see my apartment and decided that his place is a real hole compared to mine (but really, everyone's apartment is a hole compared to mine).

I have to say that the entire evening was enjoyable for me. I adore Victoria, but having a new person to talk to and listen to is always exciting. Not only that, Brandon is in the negative space that I was in until recently. I can do my best to act as therapist and help him to feel less trapped and confined in Korea. I'm sure that we will be meeting more often, especially since interesting conversation in Korea is in short supply.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Snow

It's snowing! Now, it may be just a dusting, but my students are so excited about it. Apparenlty it's the Korean equivalent of a blizzard. This has other meanings though as well.

With no heat in the hallways and half-inch gaps around all outside doors, the halls are only a degree or two warmer than outside. The classrooms are quite warm, but you open that door to the hall. Woosh. You got a Siberian breeze blowing in your face. It does wonders to wake you up when you're too sleepy.

It's final exam time right now as well. This means that since I'm such a vital cog in the Juksan Comprehensive High School machine, that I'm co-observing students taking their tests. This officially means that I stand there, drink my tea, and maybe hand out a new scantron sheet when the kids need one. Oh, and sometimes I pick up a pen for them if they drop one. Excitement. Other than that, I'm generally bored out of my mind.

Today I was invited to a co-teacher's wedding. It's the first invite I've gotten to anything in Korea. It's actually quite exciting for me. I'm going to try and make it. What does one give as a wedding gift in Korea? I'm going to have to ask about that one. I've been assured that there will be plenty of delicious food there. Just as long as it isn't squid, and doesn't have the eyes still attached... then I'll be happy.

That's all the news that is fit to print fron Anseong. Where the women are strong, the men are good looking, and all the children are above average.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Not Again!!!

Thursday night was a night like every other. I was home, relaxing before going to bed. For dinner I'd had a couple of eggs and some toast. Nothing exciting.

Around 10 o'clock my stomach started to get upset. I took some pepto (which I got from the military base months ago). That didn't do anything for me. My back started to hurt really bad. I started to sweat quite a bit, eventhough it was freezing outside and kinda chilly in my apartment. Then I started to projectile vomit. Uh oh. Not good. Been there, done that.

I called my co-teacher who lives closest to me, and got ready for him to take me to the hospital. At the ER they gave me a shot in the butt (of course). Ten minutes later it was over. The entire incident from beginning to end was an hour.

What the hell is going on? Well, the doctor said that my stomach was contracting severely (duh?). This caused the vomitting. The contracting put pressure on a nerve causing the pain in the back.

Okay. But why? Well, the doc said it could have been food, but it was isolated. The last times when it was food poisoning I was vomitting for a week. The doc said it was most likely caused by stress.

Where is this stress coming from? I don't quite know. My best guess is that it's coming from my extreme exhaustion that is the norm for me these past few months. I'm going to the doctor to check about me possibly having sleep apnea. So, I'm sleeping very poorly. Other than that, I have no idea. My kids are watching a movie right now. School is easy. Finished my TEFL course. Where is the stress?

I hope that this doesn't happen again anytime soon. The pain is so severe. I don't really want to experience that anymore. Why has this only happened to me in Korea? I don't get it.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Finished

I finished my online TEFL course today. It only took me 12 days to do the course, that's 2 more than is the minimum number of days. I'm pretty excited about that. I had to write a mini-reseach paper today. I think I did a superb job. As soon as I get my certificate, which should take a week or so, I will be able to get my pay raise.

I'm thinking of gettting my Masters of Arts in EFL. This would allow me to teach at a university and really make quite a bit more money. It also opens the door to more competitive job markets. I'm exploring my options. So far I might do a course through Reading University in Reading, England. There are good universities in the U.S., but they cost a pretty penny ($20,000 and up per year). Now is the information gathering stage.

Next I will do a business English course online. It's always good to keep learning and expanding your training.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Thanksgiving Weekend

This weekend was by far the best weekend I've had in Korea in the last 7 months. I still can't get over the fact that I made it 7 months. I should have a party just to celebrate that.

Friday night I was invited out by an Australian teacher and her Canadian friend. We went to a bar that served traditional Korean liquor. We had ma-ko-lee, which is made from rice (duh). It's white and creamy, quite nice.

The bar was the tackiest thing I'd ever seen. The word tack-o-rama comes to mind. It was as if Gilligan's Island had thrown up all over the bar. Everything was bamboo and thatch. The "booths" were little bamboo mini rooms with paper screen doors and thatched roofs. The traditional gourd spoons used for serving drinks were replaced with plastic gourd spoons. How tacky is that? Half-way through our night some Korean girls at another table kept telling us to "shut up" because we were speaking English. Well, my friends told them off in Korean. It made them shut up.

The following day, I went to a Thanksgiving dinner/party. One of the teachers here throws it every year for the foreign teachers and Korean friends. Well, I almost didn't go, but decided to attend at the last minute. There were about 40 people at the party, half of them Korean. It was amazing to meet so many new teachers and new people. I made some really good friends that will be hanging out with me quite a bit in the future. The food was great. His school paid for the turkey, renting the restaurant, and all of the food. The dinner was very international with turkey, dressing, potatoes, pumpkin pie, encheladas, chicken dishes, lasagna, etc. A little bit of everything.

After the dinner, we moved on to the Ouzo bar. A nice place just to hang out and talk. It was really wonderful just to talk to some new people. I talked the people into checking out the tacky bar from the night before. Out on the street, I met a gang of Russian workers, and I switched into Russian mode. This blew away my new friends who are still in awe. I thought I was really losing my Russian, but it turns out that I just needed a little practice. The Russians were very impressed and said that they'd never met an American that spoke Russian so well. I was on cloud nine.

After peeking into the tacky-tiki bar we went to a different bar, and spent time talking to the Russians and eachother. Long story short, I didn't get home until 2:30. I bought the Russians a round.

On Sunday I went to Itaewon with Victoria. Bought some new neckties for only $8 each. Good deal. It was nice just to walk around Itaewon at a nice leisurely pace.

So, my weekend of new friends and leisure was wonderful. I didn't manage to do any of my homework for my TEFL course, and I spent hardly any time in my apartment. I think that this could be the beginning of a new chapter in Korea for me (not one of bar hopping and drinking) of new friends and a positive outlook.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving

Eventhough it's nothing more than a plain ole' Thursday here, I wanted to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving. Sad to say that I won't be having turkey or anything traditional for my meager dinner. Oh well, life goes on. I miss all of you.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Anniversary

Hello, my name is Dan... and I'm an English teacher in Korea.

There should be a support group for us. Anyway, today is huge. Today I have been in Korea and teaching for 7 months. I never thought I'd make it this far. God knows there were plenty of times that I was ready to get the hell out of here. Anyway, I think I deserve a 7 month chip from KETA (Korean English Teachers Anonymous).

Where's A Shrink When You Need One?

Okay, maybe I'm crazy. There's a high probability that I am. You need proof? I'm ACTUALLY considering extending my contract here for another year. Wait, it's not just food poisoning talking... let me explain.

First of all, the school would have to give me the same vacation time as normal teachers. There is no way that my next contract will have me sitting at school all vacation doing nothing. It is pointless and frankly demeaning that I'm not given the same kind of benefits as a normal teacher. The other teachers get huge bonuses ($6000 twice a year). I'm never ever going to see that, but the same amount of vacation time is a requirement.

Second, my school will have to work with me. I need the support of my fellow English teachers and the vice-principal in terms of classroom management and behavior modification. My kids are not well behaved and hate English. I can do my best to change the later, but I need help to change the behavior. I cannot do it alone. I can't be disciplining a class and hear my co-teacher laugh, or hear the excuses that my co-teacher gives for the students. Being poor and having family problems is no excuse for the kind of behavior we get at school.

The reasons that I'm thinking about staying at my school are several. First of all, I know how things work here. I know what is expected of me. I know the students. The devil you know beats the devil you don't. Knowing my teachers and administration should (in theory) make it easier to change things.

It's in my school's best interrest to keep the same English teacher for more than a year. Consistency is a problem. So, I believe that they will be more flexible in regards to contract and things.

My apartment is awesome. I love it. I like my city. I like it's size. I like my proximity to Seoul without living IN Seoul. Moving schools will mean moving all of this.

So, it's all up in the air. Hell, tomorrow a kid could be so bad that I just change my mind. I change my mind every 30 seconds here, but right now I'm thinking of staying. Crazy.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

And The Lord Created Itaewon... And It Was Good

On thursday, I was blessed with a day off. Victoria also had the day off. Mine was due to students taking the Korean version of the SATs. I have no idea which of my low-scoring students would take these exams, but I guess a couple would. Victoria had the day off to see how she would spend the $2000 that she was given for her winter English camp. I'm apparently only getting $200, and I had to ask for that.

Anyway, Victoria also wanted to go to a used English bookstore in Itaewon. I had never been to Itaewon (EE-tay-won). Now, Itaewon is a section in Seoul that is where all of the foreigners live. It has been a designated foreigner place for hundreds of years. It was amazing! This was the first and only place in Korea where I was not stared at or pointed at. Halleilujah.

I bought some shoes in Itaewon. Since they cater to foreigners, they had shoes in my size. As I was walking down the street, the shop owners were coming out to tell me that they had clothes in my size. I was in the promised land. Finally, a Korea I can live with.

So, now that I've tasted the sweet rewards of Itaewon, I think I will go there more often. It's nice to be surrounded by familiar things and people who don't point at you.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Things I Haven't Talked About

Ultimately in my blogging, there are things that I forget to talk about or that simply don't fit into my general rants. So, here is a bit of a catch-up blog, mentioning all of the news that wasn't fit to make it in the blog.

  • I don't have Min Ji anymore. After a month or so I had to find her a new home. She was really anti-social, barking all of the time, and began going inside of the apartment constantly. My land lady was not happy about the barking. So, she had lots of problems. I tried my best. But, I took her to a humaine society that will not put her down, so I did my part.
  • Victoria is leaving her job in December and will be moving to another part of Korea, this makes me very sad. However, her school here is very bad and the new job will pay more and give her what she needs.
  • I have become used to Korean foods such as kim-chi (I eat it every day now) and even the pig's feet. I just know now which parts of the pig's feet to avoid.
  • I'm going to the doctor's now to get a sleep study. I believe I have sleep apnea. I have already been to two docotrs. The third doctor, whom I will see on the 7th will prescribe the sleep study. It may cost me a total of $1000.
  • I'm taking a TEFL course online. TEFL = Teaching English as a Foreign Language. The course only costs $295, and it includes a free Business English course. Once I'm finished (it takes about a month) I will be getting a $300/month pay increase. So, this will pay for itself in the first month. And, the extra $1500 I'll make this year will pay for all of my sleep study stuff. Yeah me.
  • Dad is doing much better now. His memory is getting more back to normal. It's a long and arduous road to recovery though. He must be getting better though, he keeps telling people "Hey, go easy on me. I have a closed head injury." He has to get a lawyer because the workman's comp. people are pressing for him to return to work ASAP, and the doctors are saying no.
  • I'm fighting the temptation to show movies for the rest of the year to several of my useless classes, and only teaching the classes that have some kind of hope of learning something... does that make me a bad person?
  • My parents sent me a package with some nice sweaters in it. Thank God. They were going to ship UPS, but UPS wanted $1000 to ship a 12 pound package! Hell, for $200 more you could hand deliver it yourself! They sent it by regular post, and I got it in 7 days and it only cost $80 to ship. What a bargain.

Ok. I think that catches you up.

Demo Lesson Hell

Yesterday was my bi-annual demo lesson. Demo lessons are to evaluate me and to see how my co-teacher and I work together. It's a good idea, if they actually wanted to see a real lesson. However, that is not what happens. What really happens is that you pull out all stops and make an amazing lesson plan (not anything like your real lessons), and you use all of the cutting edge technology that the school has, and your school gets all spit polished and nice. It's completely fake. You rehearse with the class a few times. You pick your very best class. It's a staged event, and everyone is aware of this. Koreans just like to get warm fuzzy fealings from this kind of spectacle (see my previous entry about 'superficiality').

Well, my class was going to present their Superhero projects. All of my classes have been working on this project. First, we watched "The Incredibles." Next, we learned superhero vocabulary. Then we looked at Superman and Spiderman, talking about them, their powers, their lives, who they fight, etc. Then the students worked in groups to create their own superheroes. They had to draw them, and write about their powers, where they live, who they fight, etc. I thought it would be fun.

First of all, my co-teacher did NOTHING to help me. Wait, he made a cover sheet and filled in a table in Korean for me. The rest of my giant important lesson plan I had to make. I spent about 10 hours working on it. He also made me make Power Point presentations, after viewing other demo lessons he decided we needed Power Point. Ok. I'm the Power Point king... no problem. Anyway, I spent a lot of time working on this damned thing.

The class, on the day of the presentation (we had the period right before the demo to practice) was not prepared for the demo. 2 of the 5 groups had not finished their posters. One group was just starting to compose their English!!! On top of this, they had a warm-up that needed to be practiced that they had never ever done before. Ok. We'll be quick about it.

The t.v. doesn't work. What? It worked earlier. The students tried to get the t.v. to work. It is broken. So, no Power Point. Great, that was time well spent.

The room is filthy. Excuse me? They were busy cleaning the room during our one practice session. Oh my God. This is going to suck.

I have one bad student in this class. He was there. Dammit. He was talking, I told him to be quiet. Two minutes later he was playing with a cell phone (his group was not finished). I went up to him and at my witt's end said "give me the damn phone!" I put it in my pocket and told him "NOT TODAY!!"

Okay, we finally got around to practicing the warm-up. One kid would stand in front of the class, I'd write a famous name on the board where he couldn't see, but the class could. He had to ask questions to the class and figure out who they are. It was actually a good game, and worked pretty well.

On to the Demo. 11:20 rolled around, time for class to start. There were no observers yet in the room. Mr. Lee (who hasn't done anything now) starts the show. Eventually 3 people wander in to watch. None of them are native speakers of English (Great, no one will actually read my lesson plan!). Well, Mr. Lee takes over like he is the one who did everything. We plow ahead with the warm-up, it goes ok. Presenting went so bad though. My kids were not really very forthcoming in speaking English. My bad student is talking and playing with an electronic translator. Grrr... The kids aren't asking questions about the superheroes like they're supposed to. Mr. Lee is rushing through things. At the end, we have about 2o minutes extra time. So, I have to pull something together. I review vocabulary, correcting pronunciation. Pointing out the difference between "breathe" and "breath." We did another one of the warm-ups. It was ok.

After the demo, we get together with the principal, v.p., the observers, etc. and they offer their opinions. One of the teachers just talked about the one bad kid distracting him (Grrrrr...), and that he was so thankful that his school students are better behaved and have better English skills. So, I really broke the main rule here. These people saw a more true reflection of what my kids are like. And just think, they saw the best of my dumb kids. That's the best we have to offer!

After the meet and greet, we went to lunch at my favorite barbeque restaurant. I had duck. I got drunk. I went back to school and was suffering from too much soju, too much stress, and a massive stress headache. Now I'm done. I don't care. My report will go on a shelf somewhere never to be heard from again. Thank God.

But, I did look cute for my lesson.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Pepero Day

Saturday November 11 (11-11) is the Korean version of sweetest day, called Pepero Day. Now, Pepero is a Korean cookie. It is a long thing stick cookie covered in chocolate. November 11 was chosen because it looks like 4 pepero sticks 1111. Anyway, this is a made-up holiday, that only the kids celebrate. Most people believe that Lotte (pronounced 'low-tay'), the company that makes everything here in Korea, is behind the holiday. The same way that people believe Sweetest Day was invented by Hallmark.

Anyway, some students gave me some pepero cookies on friday. It was quite sweet really. I know that my students like me, that is never an issue. If only they would respect me and parle that into trying to learn English. Oh well. Everyone... happy belated Pepero Day. There is a wikipedia entry about Pepero Day at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pepero_Day.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Socks!

New socks. Came across a new place to buy fun socks for school. Sure, my toes are numb because they won't turn the heat on until December... but my feet look cool.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Such A Dork

Here is the new pen that I bought. I actually picked this out. I looked at all of the pens, and this was my choice. It features a green apple on top. And when you click the pen to use it... a blue worm comes out of the apple. Korea... the land of strange writing utensils.

Oh, and it writes very nicely too. So, it's functional "art."

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Cute

How cute am I today? I just wanted everyone to see. Remember what I look like now?

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Saved!

Last night, I was invited over to Victoria's. She'd made a delicious chicken rice soup, and knew that I was under the weather. The soup did the trick. It was hot and tasty. She also had some nice garlic herbed baguette from Paris Baguette and even had some apple turnovers with ice cream. What a treat.

After the feast, we watched the movie "Saved!" Have you seen it? It's great. A movie starring Mandy Moore (don't judge me!). It is about a senior in a Christian high school who gets pregnant after having sex with her gay boyfriend to turn him straight (Jesus told her to do it). It's very good. She struggles with her pregnancy and trying to come to some sort of religious epiphany. Plus, it's good for a chuckle. Victoria loved the movie.

Well, that was last night. I'm sitting in school now with my headphones on, listening to my mp3 player. I love these morning when I don't have class until 11:20. This gives me time to do lots of things, or just time to relax, listen to music, chat online, and do some blogging. I'm drinking my earl grey tea, relaxing, and touching up my lesson plan. A good way to start the day.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Sorry Everyone

Well, it's been a week or so since my lass post. The truth is that the longer I'm here, there is less and less to write about. But, here is what has been happening.

It is getting colder and colder in Korea. However, the windows in my school are still wide open, letting in more flies than you can imagine. I had to bring in 8 fly swatters the other day, and it has been a killing spree. I've heard from other teachers at other school that the public schools here in Korea often do not turn on their heat until the weather reaches between 3 and 5 belos zero (celsius). I'm quickly realizing that I do not have enough sweaters and things to layer, since I'm sitting in an open unheated building.

Victoria put in her 60 day notice to her school. She came to the realization that she does not deserve to be treated the way that her students treat her. She teaches at another substandard school (just like me) but her students are far worse than mine, I think. It's clear to her and I that the only way these schools get native speakers is to get the fresh green ones that don't know any better. The agencies place newbies at these schools, and as soon as they finish out their year they leave to a more sane place. It's quite the scam. So, Victoria's last day will be December 22. She is hoping to find another school between now and then. She will leave and spend Christmas until the beginning of the school year in March in the Philippines with her son. I'll miss her.

I'm battling a new cold. I feel like garbage, and I'm here at school. At least I only have one class today. That's good news.

All of my free time lately has been spent writing my lesson plan for my demo lesson. The great thing is that it is in English, so no one will really read it. It goes in a file somewhere in the department of education and is never heard from again. It's just up to me to make something that looks impressive. The good news is that I learned how to make a table/graph using microsoft word. I've been taking my own computer to school these last few days, since my school computer is in Korean, and I need to understand what is going on. Also, my school computer has started running really poorly (after another teacher borrowed it), so it's just less frustrating to use my own computer.

That's really all the news that is fit to print. Things are boring here. I'm sick. Busy with my lesson plan that no one will read. Oh, and I'm lonely. Hope everyone else is doing better than I am.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Run For Your Lives!

Now that the weather has finally turned cold, something horrible has happened. My apartment has become Club Med for mosquitos. I don't know where they are coming from, but my place is FILLED with those blood sucking ladies (only the females bite us, they need the blood to produce eggs). I have spent the last few evenings killing them. My walls are covered in carnage, small bloody spots, the only remains of these evil gals. All night long I can hear them buzzing close to my ear. My body is covered in mosquito bites. My left hand alone has 17 bites on it.

Today after work I am going to get a bug bomb and bomb the shit out of my place. I think that I've killed most of the mosquitos, but just one missed lady is enough to drive me mad.

Monday, October 30, 2006

The Bad, The Rude, And The Nasty

Ok. I've stopped sugar coating my existence here. I've learned a thing or two. I know how it works. Korean people come in three varities: Bad, Rude, or Nasty.

The Bad people are the one's like my principal who called me a fat slob to my face. Or my co-teachers, when they hand out gifts and things to all of the teachers but me. Or when they never inform me of anything that is going on until it's time for me to do something unexpected.

The Rude are the most numerous of the Koreans. These are the people who point, stare, laugh, poke, pinch, grab, and grope me in public. These are the people who run into you on the street. The cars that hit me when I go down the alley. The students who don't respect me. The cell phone addicts and their whining conversations.

The Nasty are everywhere too. The nastiest are the people who spit everywhere all of the time.

I'm done with hearing excuses like "it's cultural differences." Is it a cultural difference for a stranger to come up to me, grab me, and squeeze me? Is it cultural difference for my principal to say that to my face? No, it's rude. These people live in an insulated bubble and are worse for it. There is no point for foreigners to come here. We have absolutely no impact upon their lives in any way.

Pissed

So, friday was my school's festival. On thursday, my principal came up to me and told me that I was a fat slob. He also told me that I needed to wear a tie for the festival on friday. I came in on friday in the requisite tie... all of the teachers wore track suits. What was the point of that? I hate this freaking country. They win. I'm never coming back here. When I leave, let the North nuke them... I don't care.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Burned Out

I am so incredibly burned out right now. I have been feeling this way since Chuseok. I cannot get excited or interested in teaching again. I don't know how to get rid of this feeling.

I have shown the movie "The Incredibles" to buy myself some time. It has been 2 weeks of that movie, and I'm still not over it. I found a superheroes project online for the students to do, everything is done for me, I just have to follow the directions... I can't even think about starting it.

Maybe the problem is that no matter what I prepare, my students don't like it. I spend time making imaginative lessons, using power point and fun things. They look at me like "is that all you got?" I give my lessons to other EFL teachers around the world, and they write back about how much their students just loved the lessons, and how much fun they had, and how much they all learned. Jerks.

Part of it is the fact that I've been here for six months now. I just cannot get out of this funk. I need something or someone to help me out here. Luckily, I only have to teach through November and December. The students have January and February off for break. Then I teach March and most of April, and I'm done. I'm basically counting the days.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Good Things

In order to combat a sink into "I hate Korea"-land, here is a list of things that I like about korea.

Chilsung Cider (Korean Sprite)
Bulgogi
The way that restaurants gift-wrap your leftovers and use ribbon.
Damp napkins in the bottom of ash treys, cuts down on the smoke.
Soda Star and their black tea lotte.
Lipton Milk Tea, not available in the states.
Cheap dvds.
Samsung electronics.
Spank the Monkey.
Bim-im-bap.
The folk village.
Half-frozen bottled water for long bus trips.
Folding fans.
No sales tax.
$2 taxi cabs.
Bang mirrors on cars (so you can see what you're backing into).
Paris Baguette, their herbed baguettes are awesome.
The cheap medical system.
Most of my co-teachers.
My one student that hates English with a passion.
Walnut ice cream.
Cerazim anit-hystamine.
Taepyeongso (Korean shawm).
AFN Korea.
Hello Kitty on EVERYTHING.
Crazy socks.
Men wearing the faggiest neckties you've ever seen.
Bad English on t-shirts.
Dirty rap songs playing in supermarkets.

And my favorite thing about Korea... meeting Vicoria.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

It's Late

It's thursday. It's late. I'm sitting around in my apartment with just the light from my small desk lamp and the glow from my laptop illuminating the surroundings. All of my windows are open still, holding on to that last shot at warm weather before fall is completely underway and winter starts knocking. From outside I can hear people talking as they walk down the street. I hear scooters and motorcycles, their engines piercing the still of the night. I look out the window and see the eerie glow of red crosses dotting the shyline. I can see the bold neon signs of some of the taller buildings in town. The cool blue neon to the left of the small hotel with a traditional sauna. I can see the bright flashing red and white neon of a billiards hall on the other end of the city. I can see the strange bright solid red sign of a business just one street over and down the hill. It's nights like this, when the television is off, and all is quiet, that I can appreciate Korea the most. Only at night does the strange and foreign quality of the city just melt away. All that I'm left with is the dark and the quiet, like an old friend. It reminds me of quiet nights back home in the U.S. Sitting on the back deck, waiting for my dog to stop exploring the yard so I can get to bed. Those cool summer nights just sitting out and enjoying the quiet. That time of night when no one else is awake and the world belongs only to you.

So, to my friends in the states. You're all getting up and just starting your day. My day is over and I'm enjoying the quiet and the solitude. Spare a thought for me during your hectic morning routine, won't you?

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

A Bit Of Poetry

The following poem was written by my good friend Victoria. Enjoy.


'Twas the night before takeoff
And my stomach was rumbling
Was I ready for this
Or would I find myself stumbling

South Korea was my destination
Teaching school my goal
Could I really pull this off?
Was I being too bold?

The flight was on schedule
I was a long way from home.
It felt kind of scary
Being here all alone

The city looked different
From any city I’d seen before
Here there are stores
Piled on stores, piled on stores

I see something new
Every time I look up
This is different from Stateside
But I won’t give up

My first day of teaching
Was frightening, but cool
I thought I might well adjust
To being in this school

The teachers seemed friendly
The principal, away
The kids were quite rowdy
But I think that’s OK

I quickly discovered
That candy did the trick
Keeps the students quiet
And me from getting sick

The food here is strange
What it is, I don’t know
But it looks awfully nasty
The smells never go

But my Pringles will save me
Form loosing my grip
When I’m feeling nostalgic
I just eat a chip

South Korea is home now
For better or worse
It isn’t bad living here
At least it doesn’t empty my purse

I’m sure I’ll adjust
To the noise and the spit
But someone please tell me
Is this really it?

Where’s my dream gone to
Of Asia in grace
Of gentle old men
Who want to save face

Of women in long skirts
And hair all adorned
In jewels and ribbons
And new babies born

Are the stories all true
Is there really a way
Can I love this country
Will I choose to stay?

Of this I am certain
That no matter what
Living in Korea
Keeps me out of a rut

Word Of Advice

Just a word of advice. If you are going to show a video to a class... make sure you have more than one movie to show, just to save your sanity. I am showing the movie "The Incredibles" to my students, mainly because I don't want to teach right now and this keeps them quiet. Well, I have seen the first half of the movie about 12 times now. I'm quite bored.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Superficiality

There is one aspect of Korean culture or personality or whatever that I simply cannot stand. Koreans are incredibly and cripplingly superficial. This is not an overstatement, exaggeration, or generalization. This is hard concrete fact. Here are several examples for you.

One. Saving face. Speak to anyone in Korea about what is the most important thing to do in your interaction with other Koreans. Their answer will be saving face. You must never ever "shame" a Korean. It is of vital importance that everyone save face. Not feeling, not intention, not truth... save face. I have no idea what will happen if you do not save face.

Two. Mirrors. Every Korean student, male and female, has a hand mirror. They are constantly checking out their faces and their hair in these mirrors. The teachers have these mirrors too. Before they leave their desks to go to class they check their face in the mirrors. In the hallway there are large mirrors with slogans written on them. The slogans are like propoganda with messages about "how do you look to the world?" Notice the stress is on how do you "look" not on your actual place in the world or your actions. Very surface.

Three. Cell phones. Koreans are always taking their own pictures with their cell phones. I've never seen this in the U.S., but in Korea it's an activity that you see constantly. It is yet another way to see what you look like, when you don't have a mirror, or when you simply need a higher-tech mirror.

Four. Keeping up appearance. This summer my school spent lots of money on rebricking the facade of the building. The old facade was in excellent shape. They rebricked and painted two-thirds of the building, the two-thirds that are visible from the road. The rest of the building was left in it's old state. Now, the inside of the building is crumbling and in sad shape. Instead of using the money to improve the inside of the school, where the students have to sit and learn, or improve the facilities, the school spent the money on the facade. There is no concern with the actual guts of the educational system, just the skin.

Five. Demo lessons. All native-English speaking teachers have to give two demo lessons a year. These lessons are not the simple kind of inspection that teachers in the U.S. get, where people show-up unexpected to view you teaching. This is a fully scripted and rehearsed class that is unlike the regular daily lessons. The demo lesson uses every bit of technology that the school has. The very best class is chosen for this demo class. There are banners and signs up in the building for the demo lesson. The students spend all morning cleaning the building. It is a full-scale production. It is not about evaluating the teaching or the students. It is all about the warm and fuzzy feeling that it gives to the teachers.

Lastly, something that really upsets me. My old co-teacher was a substitute, and is now working with my friend Victoria. Victoria told me that he was talking about me to another Korean teacher, the Japanese teacher, and all he had to talk about was my size. "How big is Mr. Youngs?" Now, I'm a big guy, but I'm also interesting. I have lots going for me. I'm a musician, I speak Russian, I'm knowledgable of most things. In America people move past my size in a relatively short period of time and realize that I'm a good guy. Well, not here. If the people that have worked with me everyday for the last 6 months cannot see past my size to the person that I actually am, to the important things, the things that matter... then what are the chances for the rest of the people in Korea to see past the exterior? This is the most disturbing aspect of the Korean superficiality.

There are so many more things that I could add to this list. I find this aspect of the Korean psyche to be the most damaging and off-putting. I also think that it is this part that ultimately influences their own interaction in the world. This leads to their famous xenophobia (fear of other cultures/countries) and egocentrism. Strange. I wonder if any Koreans are concerned with this? The world will never know. Koreans adhere strictly to the adage "if you don't acknowledge it, then it isn't true." This is why you will never see statistics for drug abuse or teenage pregnancy in Korea. If you pick at the surface of Korea you find that there is nothing else there.

Kickball Anyone?

The other day the students were sent home after fourth period. The teachers were preparing for their sports day. The high school teachers would play sports against the middle school teachers. Oh great. This is just what I wanted.

When I went outside, this wasn't the story. There were several tables set up with lots of food and booze. The sports day was just an excuse to drink. The menu included Chok-bal (pig's feet), roasted chicken, kim-chi, and rice candy chewy thingy. The beverage menu included soju and whiskey. I partook of both. By the end of the day I'd had about 3 bottles of soju and 3 shots of whiskey. I was feeling very little at that point in time.

After the drinking marathon, the teachers actually played kickball and badmitten. I can't believe it. A good time was had by all. After I left, some teachers continued their drinking binge and went to the No-rae-bang (karaoke bar) to sing and tie one on. Here are some lovely pics of my first drinking, er, I mean "sports" day. The last picture is the chok-bal in our fridge. Mmmmm... tastes like feet.


You Have To Buy Their Love

If you want Korean students to like you, there are two ways to do it. The first way is candy, and lots of it. This gest expensive when you have to spend $5 for a bag of hard candy... it starts to add up.

The second more reliable way, and ultimately cheaper at only $1 a pop, is to buy crazy socks. Koreans love crazy socks. This is because they don't wear shoes inside, so the socks become the fashion item. Remember in high school how the coolest shoes made you popular? Well, remove the shoes... the coolest socks do it here.

So, I've had to beef up my boring utilitarian supply of white and black socks. What do you think? Bear in mind that my sock options are limited by my giant feet and the overall tiny-quality of Korean socks.

Lucky

I'm the luckiest boy in the world. The Korean teachers are now making this traditional gruel that smells like someone left a mountain of used diapers baking in the midday sun for about 60 days. The lucky part is that they're making this gruel right next to my desk. Oh so lucky.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Indian Summer

It's the middle of October. The leaves are starting to change color. I'm wearing shorts and a t-shirt outside and still sweating. One of these things doesn't belong. Which one is it?

I am in the middle of an Indian summer here in Korea. It's cool to cold at night. But during the day it is HOT. I cannot believe that it is October and I'm still wearing shorts everyday. It's kind of crazy. Every Korean has agreed that we have had the hottest summer that they can remember. To have that 7th-circle-of-hell summer followed by an albeit cooler, but basically still hot fall is just adding insult to injury. I'm enjoying it nonetheless.

From what I hear about South Korean winters, I'm relishing this last burst of warmth before the cold. Although Korea does not get much in terms of snow they have something extra special. Cold air from Siberia that stays centered over the Korean peninsula. Now, having lived in Kalamazoo and lived through blizzards and the worst that Michigan has to offer, we'll see how touch and macho I am when it comes to these Siberian blasts.

When there is nothing left to discuss... you can always turn to the weather.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Lazy Days

Well, I've had the week off from school. Tuesday was the anniversary of the founding of the Republic of Korea. So, it was just a nice legal holiday. Thursday was the big holiday, Chuseok, Korean thanksgiving. It's their biggest holiday here, celebrating the harvest. Families visit grave plots and eat and stuff.

What did I do with my 6 days off? Not a damned thing. I went to Seoul on monday night with Victoria to grab dinner, didn't get home till almost midnight. The nice thing there was that we met two black women that are here in Korea studying Korean at Cheonan University. They're from Congo. I cannot imagine going to school here like that. Living in Korean dorms and eating Korean food three times a day. Brave brave girls.

I intended on studying Korean this week. Taking some leisurely time to go through things. Insteady, I cleaned one day, and took naps every day. THAT is how you should spend a holiday. Tomorrow is sunday, my last day of freedom. I still don't want to do anything. Maybe I'll go to Seoul, but more than likely I will sleep in, lounge around in my pajamas, take a nap, and maybe mozey on downtown and go to the market. Man, Korea is great when you have no work.

Did You See The Festival?

This is our cities little mascot. He's all over the place. He's on our signs. He's on the pillars of the bridges. He's on trucks He's so cute. Kinda makes you want to vomit a little bit. Here he is rendered in flowers.




So, now onto the festival itself. The festival in my city was quite wonderful actually. First off, there were teams of dancers from Thailand, China, Australia, Bulgaria, and South Africa. These people did traditional dancing. I saw the Bulgarians twice. They were amazing. They also brought their own band, with some incredibly insane accordian and clarinet playing. There is no way that I could play that fast for such a long period of time.
The Korean things at the festival included tight-rope walking, plate spinning, dancing, music, etc. It was pretty amazing that there were so many things for the kids to try. They could even try tight-rope walking.


The festival also had plenty of food, traditional things including the silk worms (remember those?). There were also vendors selling all kinds of things, including randomly some eggs that were in a wicker kind of holder. I don't know what the deal was with that. There were also these great painted logs for the kids to put their faces through and get their pictures taken.

Okay. Now, this blog is funny and sarcastic, but it is also a strange kind of anthropologic record of Korea. So, it would be wrong of me, in a scientific way, to not include this strange tidbit that I observed at the festival. There was a booth with a large wooden phallus. The phallus had water coming out of the tip. People were holding a cup uner the mighty phallic stream and drinking it's bounty. I don't know what this is about. I'm too embarassed to ask. But, here is the proof that I'm not drunk. I didn't want to show this, but it's for scientific posterity.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Oh My God...

At the parade for the festival in my town I got my first glimpse. That a little too Korean of foods... bundaeghi... silk worm larvae. Now, the appearance is bad enough. There are apparently 2 varieties... I don't want to know what the difference is. The worst part however is the smell. Oh my God... I cannot describe how awful the smell is. You can smell this dish from quite a difference. To quote my mother, it could knock a buzzard off of a shit wagon at 30 paces.

Before The Parade Passes By

My little city of Anseong held it's annual Namsadang Baudeogi Festival this last week. Namsadang is a traditional theatre troupe here in Anseong, which is famous for producing this kind of entertainment. Baudeogi was born to a poor family and left with the Anseong Namsadang troupe when she was 5 years old. She was so good that the troupe became known as Baudeogi.

Anyway, enough history. The festifal began wednesday, September 27th, with a parade which lasted for over 2 hours. I was lucky enough to see the parade from the very beginning. A Korean parade is not exactly the same thing as an American parade.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Superfluous

I'm the low man on the totem pole. I love this phrase. It's so colorful, invoking humor and nostalgia and reminding us of the wonderful Native American influence in America. However, it's very true. I am the low man on the totem pole... I'm so incredibly unimportant.

Yesterday exam schedules were handed out. The schedules list teachers and what classes they are observing during exams. My name is on the chart. Under my name are the class numbers. My column had an extra Korean syllable attached, it said "bu."

What the heck is "bu?" I asked another teacher. It means "co-."

I am co-observing classes. Co-observing. That makes me feel so emasculated and unimportant. I'm redundant. I'm as useless as tits on a man. I'm more unnecessary than an understudy for a chorus girl. I feel so pathetic.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Violet Beauregard Was Right All Along

If I live the rest of my life in Korea I will NEVER get used to one thing. No, it's not the food, it's not the constant staring, and it's not the hundreds of Asian people... it's the spitting.

Spitting must be the national past-time of Korea. You thought it was Taekwondo? Nope. Spitting. People think nothing of just hocking up a big chunk of phlegm and letting it go anywhere. Students spit on the floors of the school (the floors they have to mop at the end of the day, makes no sense to me). Old ladies spit on the streets and sidewalks. Teachers spit in to the sink located very close to my desk. All day long, it's a never-ending cacophany of spit and phlegm and mucus and other such nasties.

This begs two questions. One: Why is spitting so incredibly socially accepted in Korea? And two: Why do Koreans have such vast amounts of spitting to do? I have absolutely no idea why spitting isn't shunned as something dirty and private in Korea. Maybe in the U.S., being a country founded by Puritan prudes, we are just overly sensitive to such matters. Everything that comes out of our bodies is deemed dirty and semi-shameful. We cover our coughs, hide our nose blowing, and do everything else behind closed doors. Maybe the Koreans have a different level of freedom than we do.

And the other question, what is up with all of the spitting? Now, there are days, maybe weeks that I go without having to spit. I'm not counting the little spit after brushing your teeth, but serious "manly" spitting. Why are Koreans needing to spit so frequently? Is it the food? There is a persistent rumor that Asians in general are prone to being lactose intolerant. Maybe this spitting has to do with the vast amounts of dairy products here and a high frequency of lactose intolerance. I don't think that this is the real issue. I have no clue why the Korean spit producing glands and tissues are in overdrive here. Maybe it's all of the kim-chi.

So, my life is accompanied by a soundtrack of spitting. Violet Beauregard, in Willy Wonka, was right when she said while picking her nose "spitting is a disgusting habit." How prophetic. Maybe she was referring to Korea.

Friday, September 22, 2006

It's Not Easy Being Enlightened

Well, ever since climbing that mountain in Seosan and visiting the Buddhist temple Gaeshim-sa, I have been living an enlightened life (smerk). With this new-found enlightenment comes certain responsibilities. One is my responsibility to nature and life. I've already honored this by adopting Min Ji. I am so karmically good with the universe right now.

In all seriousness though, I've become sick of my ignorance of Korean language. It's time to put those damned books to use. So, today, I came to school prepared. I have a small notebook that I bought in Seoul. It is a daily vocabulary notebook. There are spots for 4 words a day, and their definitions. The notebook is written in, and propped up on my desk for me to look at all day long. My four words today are: breakfast, lunch, dinner, and tea. I've also brought in my special notebook for writing Korean, it consists of small squares, so you can get used to writing in syllable blocks. I've also got my two Korean books here. I think that the one I bought in the U.S.A. will be more useful right now. The one I bought in Korea is just not doing anything for me.

So, with my free time this morning, I am beginning my push forward into the dark void of my ignorance. Apparently you only need 150 words to converse in Korean. I'm trying to get there. I can't continue to be the stupid American who doesn't speak the language. Dammit, I'm a linguist (kind of) so I should WANT to learn the language. Come hell or high water, that is what I will do. Grrrr.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Making Peace With The Devil

If you look way way back in my blog, to one of my first entries, I outline my feelings on Korean food. There is an entire paragraph devoted to that staple dish of Korea. The one dish that is present at every meal. No, not the rice. I'm speaking of the one Korean dish that foreigners have heard of... kim-chi.

To refresh your memory, kim-chi is a fermented veggie dish. It is made generally from cabbage, but is also made from daikon radish or cucumber. It contains things like garlic and lots and lots of peppers and pepper paste. It is spicy. It is so sour. It is ice cold. And, it is present at EVERY SINGLE MEAL in Korea. I thank God everyday that boendaegi (silk worm larvae) isn't the national dish. I hear that it smells bad and has the consistency of soggy peanuts.

Anyway, I have to say that after months of saying no, that I now say yes. I eat the dreaded kim-chi. Everyday at lunch. Do I like it? No. Why do I eat it? I don't know. It's my own little form of penance. It is my offering to the gods of Korean cultural assimilation. Sometimes I am rewarded with actually good kim-chi, but most often I am not. Oh well. C'est la vie. When in Anseong, do as the Anseongians do.

Oh, The Horror

The other day I took Min Ji for a walk, in her sweatshirt, to visit Victoria and Kim Chi (who has bronchitis now, the dog that is). We walked by the Super English School, which is a hagwon (private after-school academy). I know the teacher here, an Aussie named Marlina.

Well, the kids were out front before class, they were petting the dog. "How old is she?" "Is it a boy or a girl?" "What's her name?" I answered Min Ji. Well, a middle-school aged girl stood up slowly, with a look of horror on her face. She pointed to herself and in a sad sad voice she said "But MY name is Min Ji." Awwww... she's named after a dog. I don't think she will recover soon. I also don't think that her friends at the hagwon will let her forget either.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

No Longer Willing

When I first came to Korea I ate most things at lunch. I did not eat the kim-chi, but everything else I ate, or tried. I did this to satisfy my own curiosity and desire to "fit in" and because if you have an empty spot on your tray then ALL of the other teachers have to know what is going on.

Flash forward 2 food poisonings and 5 months (God, can you believe that it's been that long?). I don't feel the need to explore or please anymore. Now at lunch time, if the food scares me, I don't take it. Today, I didn't take 2 of the dishes that were on the menu. I had gotten sick from both of them before, so I'm not tempting fate again. I don't like going to the hospital and getting shots in my backside. So, for lunch today I had rice, kim-chi, and kim-chi soup with tofu. I'll survive.

Still, even though all of the teachers know of my dietary and stomach issues, I have to justify everyday why I didn't want some dish. My favorite was when I told someone that I had gotten sick on this particular dish and did not want it anymore. Her reply was "but it has cheese in it." Oh. Ok. Cheese... well then I guess I'll eat it! NO!! I'm a 28 year old man. I can make my own food decisions. Also, I'm a giant of a man, I'm not exactly starving. I simply don't sugar coat it anymore or try to please the other teachers. I know that they are concerned, but what Korean food enters into my body is my business alone. I'm the one who will suffer if I make a bad choice... not them. Korean food. What can I say that hasn't been said?

Spare The Rod, Spoil The Child

Korean students. Don't let the stereotype of Asian students throw you. My kids are just as bad if not worse than their U.S. counterparts. Let me give you an example.

On monday I started to teach the song "If I Had a Million Dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies. The song is easy and very repetitive. I thought they would enjoy this. I found a great video of the song on youtube.com. I printed out the lyrics and made a picture vocabulary sheet to define the strange new things in the song. I even brought in a box of macaroni and cheese (since the song mentions Kraft dinner).

Well, the class monday did not have a working TV in their room, so we used a computer room. They came in and I said "do not touch the computers, don't touch anything, just sit down." So, naturally, half of the computers were turned on. Students did not listen to anything that I did. They would not stop talking, they would not leave the computers alone, they would not do a simple "repeat after me."

That's it. I'm done working to prepare things that they will enjoy. Korean students shit all over everything that you plan. So, I will do nothing but book work from now on. I get paid the same if I'm a boring teacher as if I'm a good and exciting teacher. I'm done with candy, games, puzzles, movies, music, and videos. There is no sense in me using my time and money to help them when they just ruin it and don't care. So, this is what Korean students are really like. Now I know why they get hit so much by the teachers. Where's my kid-hitting-stick?

Monday, September 18, 2006

If They Only Knew

English is very popular. Let me rephrase that... English writing is very popular. It's on all shirts here. It does not matter what it says, as long as it's English. English music is very popular as well. No one knows what is being said, but popular nonetheless.

The other day I was in my local mom & pop grocery store, just to pick up some milk and things. The music playing in the store was that old 2 Live Crew song... "Heyyyy We Want Some Pussy." Wow. Did they have any clue? Is this music appropriate to shop by?

Another English teacher I met told me about a young kid she saw. The child was middle school aged, wearing an English t-shirt that said "I'm too drunk to fuck." Now, why would this be printed on a tiny little t-shirt for a child?

When you see these things it makes you stop and shake your head. It's the worst of English culture and it's all over the place. Aren't you proud?

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Chilly Mornings

Well, the first morning walk at 6am with Min Ji was nice, but it was chilly. She was shaking quite a bit since she has no fur at all. So today I had to do something I've never thought I'd have to do. I bought her a doggie sweatshirt. It seems to do the job, and it covers up her rat-like nakedness.

She won't look at the camera. Here she is in mid head shake.

And here is a new picture of Kim Chi after she has filled out and grown some hair. She needs a grooming. Notice how good she poses for pictures.

The New Lady In My Life

Last night, after school, I went to the animal shelter again. I did it. I have a dog. I don't know if I'm crazy or what. She's a maltese, and I named her Min Ji. Min Ji is a Korean name meaning "great cleverness," so I'm hoping that she lives up to the name. When I first saw the dog she was covered in long fur, when I picked her up, they had shaved her down. So, I will show you some pics of the dog, but remember she's had a very bad haircut. Don't pass judgement for another couple of months. Min Ji does stand up and beg for food, clearly a sign of her past owner. Why bother to teach a dog tricks if you're going to get rid of it? I don't understand it. So, here she is... Min Ji.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Tongue Twister Challenge From Hell

What is up with Japanese game shows? I don't understand them, but they're fun to observe from very very very very far away. How about this clip of a tonguetwister challenge. You do not want to be on the losing end of this battle.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers...

http://www.glumbert.com/media/tonguetwister

UPDATE: this is not a tongue twister. The Japanese teacher looked at it and said that it is a speed reading competition. They are reading about squid. The guys are her favorite comedian/gag men.

Companionship

I'm lonely. I have very good friends in Korea, but I miss having someone in my house. So, I'm seriously toying with the idea of getting a dog. I know that this might be a bit of a hassle, but it worked out well for Victoria. So, yesterday I went to the animal shelter to see what they have.

It's kind of strange. They show you a picture of the dog off of the computer, but they don't show you the actual dog. I'm sure they'll show you any dog in person, but it's kind of interesting.

Now, because Victoria is a great friend and I am with her and her dog all of the time, I would get a female, so that there is no chance for my dog and Victoria's dog to contribute to the abundance of dogs in Korea. I'm also going to have to get a small dog, the kind that can be carried around in a small bag/carrier. This might be a birthday gift to myself. Also, since I plan on traveling and teaching, I want a dog I can take with me.

Oh, the shelter won't give me a dog unless I promise to take it with me to the U.S.A. They don't want to get the dog back in 6 months, I'm sure that's a huge problem. So, the next few days/weeks will show wether or not I get a dog. It would be nice to have something to come home to. Then comes the pressure of a name.

Monday, September 11, 2006

You Want Me To Eat What?

On thursday, I was informed that we (the teachers) were going out to dinner (not a choice). The parents of our students took us out. I have to admit that our parents at our school are really great. They bring the teachers things all of the time. Usually it's fresh fruit, sometimes it's gim-bap (sushi rolls, but all cooked, nothing raw), dinner, drinks, all kinds of things. The other times we went out to eat it was to Korean barbeque. This time, I was informed that we were going out for pig's feet. Excuse me?

We arrived at the restaurant. Korean restaurants serve one thing, and that's it. So, we sat down at the table (on the floor). I figured that at the very worst, I could simply eat side dishes and avoid the main course. However, on the table was nothing but the meat. The only other things on the table were condiments for the pig's feet. Lettuce to wrap it in, kim-chi, some pepper sauce, little brine shrimp, and radish. There was a variety of the meat, cold and hot.

I did my part, I ate 3 pieces of the meat, one cold and two hot. It was the saltiest and fattiest piece of meat that I have ever eaten. After the three I stopped eating. The other teachers were concerned, I said that I was fine. I simply began drinking... thank God for soju!

Later in the meal, one of the teachers ordered me some rice and bean sprouts. I was glad for the rice and sprouts, but other things came with it. Soup, which I normally like, but it was just filled with floating slices of jalapeno-like peppers, I couldn't eat it because it was so hot. There was also lotus root merinated in something which was too much for me to eat, and little baby crabs covered in red pepper paste. I told the other teachers to please help themselves. The crabs were raw and you eat the ENTIRE thing, shell and all.

This was a crazy night out. It wasn't horrible, it was just different. I was fine with the little food I did have, and I enjoyed the company of my fellow teachers. On the other hand... I won't be going out for pig's feet again.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

God Bless The U.S. Military

Today Victoria and I went off to the U.S. Airforce base at Pyeongtaek. Victoria has her veteran's card, and we were going to go to the post office, lunch at Chili's, and try to get into the BX to do some shopping. We got to the base and ran into some people from the new teacher orientation (remember, where I was food poisoned???).

Dini and James were presenters at orientation, and they remembered me (I'm hard to forget). We mentioned what we were doing there, and when we mentioned lunch at Chili's they told us that we were at the wrong base. We needed to go to the Osan base, located in Songtan. They gave us a ride.

Victoria found out that she couldn't get onto the base. Annoying. Dini got us into the base with her card (her husband James is a retired military guy). Anyway, they took us around the base. I was able to mail some packages home at a nice cheap price. We did some shopping at a convenience store, where we were able to buy great U.S. products. These included pepto bismol, nyquil, bologna, nachos, salsa, whoppers (the candy), corned beef hash, taco fixins. A total coup.

Dini and James took us to a free lunch held by the Veteran's support people. So, for lunch we didn't have Chili's. Instead we had New York strip steak, real salad with real dressing, corn bread, baked potatoe, sour cream, and chocolate cake. For free! This was the biggest piece of beef that I've seen in Korea. They do this every saturday!

Dini and James were a great help to us. They live only one town away, and have offered to help us out with anything that we need, including more trips to the base. On top of everything, they're super nice people. James is a tall and big guy, so he knows where I can get shoes and clothes and things. So, it's good to have connections that have been here for 5 years. A great day.

A Thing Of Beauty

I am in Korea, a land of beauty. From the beauty of the mountains, to the beautiful national flower, the Rose of Sharon. From the traditional dress of Korea, the hanbok, to the beauty of a vibrant green rice paddy.

Nothing has been more beautiful to me than this.
A big pot of good ole' American Kraft mac n' cheese. Mmmmm... nothing spells loving to me like this, the ultimate comfort food. This has made my week and made my day... quite possibly my whole year. So, take it in. A thing of beauty.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

The Mundane


I have gotten several emails. "Why haven't you posted anything new?" Well, the answer is simple. My life is boring.

This week I have been busy with the mundane and boring existence of an English teacher. I make copies, teach classes, take students' cell phones, host detention. The usual. My life is surprisingly dull and monotonous.

I am now periodically losing my voice. I believe it to be a combination of the air conditioning, the fans blowing on me, and the constant loud talking I have to do. The life of an English teacher here is a bit strenuous on the vocal cords. I'm always speaking slowly and loudly. The students never entirely shut-up, so I'm always talking over someone. Since my life here is as a human tape recording, I'm constantly talking. Doing this all day leaves my voice very hoarse and my throat sore.

The only exciting thing to report this week is that I have mastered the origami crane. I have made many many cranes. Victoria wants them to hang in her classroom. The legend is that if you make 1000 cranes that your wish will come true. I'm well on my way to 1000. I've made 79 cranes so far.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

You Want Me To Drink Out Of What?

My school supplies the office with little paper cups for water and tea and coffee. They are slightly larger than dixie cups.

The cups feature various things on them. Sometimes they have zodiac signs on them, although I always get Taurus (maybe we only get Taurus cups). Sometimes they have two numbers on them, temperatures, one red and one blue. I'm guessing the best or safest temperatures for hot and cold beverages?

Now, my all time favorite cup is the series that features various stretches you can perform during the work day. There is one showing how to stretch your neck, loostening up the shoulders and such. The best cup shows a back stretch. I know it's for a back stretch. I know this. However, when I look at it all I can think of is "Is this a kama sutra cup?" I guess my mind is in the gutter, but it looks incredibly suggestive to me. What do you think?

Baby Steps

This is origami central baby. Every Korean student knows what they're doing in this paper-folding art. I'm so ignorant.

While I was at a stationary store, I took my first step in origami literacy. I bought a pack of origami paper. Maybe one day I will be able to make cranes. But since I'm all thumbs (being a bassoonist that plays an instrument with 13 thumb keys, this is literally the truth) I'm not sure if that will be possible.

Yesterday after school, I finally pulled out the paper. I made my very first origami. I made a little paper box. I put altoids in it and gave it to my co-teacher. She was happy to see that I had finished the box.

Also, yesterday, I was able to spell two Korean words on my own in Korean correctly. This is quite a feat if I do say so myself. Mr. Yoo told me the name of a market in Seoul, and I spelled it in Hangul (Korean alphabet) and it was correct. In class I translated the work hagwan into English, and I wrote hagwan underneath it in Korean. Both were correct.

It's happening people. I'm getting more Asian by the day. First there's the bowing, then the chopsticks, then the Korean alphabet, now there's the origami. Next thing you know I will be into anime and Hello Kitty.

Monday, August 28, 2006

A New First

Tonight I ordered pizza from Dominoe's by myself. No one was home to help me, so I did it myself. I'm such a Bohemian. It was not an easy task and it was very daunting. Now I can accomplish anything.

Guilt

Inevitably there comes a time in everyone who is living abroad's life when they are racked with the feelings of guilt. Guilt for missing birthdays and holidays, guilt for missing special events. I am truly racked with guilt... the guilt of the good son.

A couple of weeks ago my father was in a car accident. He was rearended when going to lunch. He smacked the back of his head on the headrest and had to go to the hospital. He was transferred to Ann Arbor. He had a serious concussion. This is a major thing. My father does not remember 3 days of his life. And now, he has serious memory problems. He forgets where he is going and what he did just the day before. He went to see his specialist and he has a minor brain injury that will take up to a year or more to heal and he has severe whiplash. He now has physical therapy for his neck and shoulders, speech therapy and memory therapy (that is what the speech therapy is part of).

I am the good son. I'm the one that drives my mom back and forth (she is legally blind) to the hospital when dad hurts himself. I'm the one that takes dad to his surgery and doctor appointments. I am sitting here in Korea and there is absolutely nothing I can do to help. Part of me wants to come home to help my dad, and part of me just wants to finish my contract. My parents want me to stay here, but I feel so helpless and guilty. I know that my dad has to sit at home all day because he won't risk driving somewhere and forgetting where he is going. I'm conflicted. Most of all, I'm just hurting for my parents.

Friday, August 25, 2006

T.G.I.F.

I am so incredibly happy that it is Friday. This first week back with students has been so trying and frustrating and exhausting. Where to start?

Well, the yellow card/red card thing works well... to an extent. I gave out red cards the first two days, no more red cards were given this week. However, none of the students showed up for their detentions. I had Mr. Yoo talk to the homeroom teachers, then 1 student showed up out of 4. Then another 2 students were given red cards and didn't show up. Now, today a student is coming after school. I'm pissed that the homeroom teachers aren't putting the fear of God into these kids. Why should I be the only teacher without credibility? I think that the word has gotten around though about how horrible it is to write these sentences. I'm hoping that regardless of wether the homeroom teachers make the students follow through (I will make them follow through when I see the kids next) that the rest of the students will know that I mean business.

Also this week I have a new co-teacher, since Ms. Lee is gone on maternity leave (she had a boy). My new co-teacher speaks perfect English, she spent some time (a very short time) in L.A. So, I've had a new co-teacher to get used to, which is always interesting.

My schedule was also rearrainged since another co-teacher went on a business trip. This gave me 6 classes in one day, which is a lot. I swear to God and Buddha and Allah and Moses that I thought I would die. It was a day filled with bad classes and bad attitudes and my exhaustion. I made it through the day, and went home. From standing so much and teaching, my feet and calves kept cramping up all night and into the next morning. I also was losing my voice.

So, I've reached Friday alive, barely. I need the weekend more than the students do. I never thought I would have such a rough first week back.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Play Time Is Over

Monday was the beginning of school. Vacation was over. I took this opportunity to start anew. Everyone has a clean slate and a fresh start. Play time is over.

Since discipline is horrible in my school, I have taken it upon my self to lead the crusade. This started a few months back with my taking of the cell phones. This was only step one.

I created yellow and red cards. They are laminated. When a student is bad, I lay a yellow card on their desk. I do this with some flourish, so that the entire class knows who is getting the yellow card. This is a warning. Your behavior is inappropriate and needs to stop. If the behavior continues, they get the red card. This is the card of doom. Their ass is grass and I'm the lawn mower.

With the red card, they have to come and see me at 5 o'clock when school is over. They have to sit down next to me, and write sentences IN ENGLISH. Now, they hate English, and writing it is the worst. So, it's a good punishment I think. However, the sentences they are writing are uplifting things with the Korean translation there. So they will be writing "I am a person of worth." Maybe this will make them "wake up."

Today I gave out 4 red cards, 3 in just one class. So, I'm hoping that tomorrow, the kids will report back about how they had to write all of these sentences and how horrible it was. If not, I have more red cards.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Enlightenment








On Tuesday, I went on a short 3 hour bus trip to the seaside town of Seosan. I went with the intention of vising the sea. However, the trip took a more interesting turn. I ended up climbing a mountain and visting a Buddhist temple.

After buying a local ticket at Seosan, Victoria and I waited for an hour for the bus to show. No such luck. With our hopes dwindling, I made the bold suggestion. "Wanna go halvsies on a cab?" Best suggestion ever.

The cab took us over to another town. Then we turned off of the road. We traveled back, around a small lake, through the mountains, for about 3 miles or so. It was a beautiful drive. When we got to our destination we had a picnic lunch that we had brought. Delightful.

We foolishly imagined that we were close to the temple. We were mistaken. The temple lay at the top of the mountain. We had hundreds of decaying stone steps to climb. The steps went on forever, and I thought I was going to die.
We finally made it to the top. We were both sweating so much, it was like a joke. We sat on a stone slab trying to catch our breath. Koreans were staring at us. Victoria said "Mommy, is that what white people look like when they're dyeing?"
The climb was worth it. The temple was beautiful. It had painted panels surrounding the building showing scenes of daily life. They were incredibly detailed and beautifl.
The shrine was incredibly beautiful, with a golden Buddha surrounded by large statues of other holy people. I burned some incense to Buddha. Afterward, I sensed a change. I am such an elightened holy boy now. Sitting in Korea living my Bohemian lifestyle, spending time at my favorite coffe shop, being freakin' enlightened. Wow. Korea changes people... but then again... nah, I'm still the same sarcastic boy I was before.