Superfluous

I'm the low man on the totem pole. I love this phrase. It's so colorful, invoking humor and nostalgia and reminding us of the wonderful Native American influence in America. However, it's very true. I am the low man on the totem pole... I'm so incredibly unimportant.

Yesterday exam schedules were handed out. The schedules list teachers and what classes they are observing during exams. My name is on the chart. Under my name are the class numbers. My column had an extra Korean syllable attached, it said "bu."

What the heck is "bu?" I asked another teacher. It means "co-."

I am co-observing classes. Co-observing. That makes me feel so emasculated and unimportant. I'm redundant. I'm as useless as tits on a man. I'm more unnecessary than an understudy for a chorus girl. I feel so pathetic.

Violet Beauregard Was Right All Along

If I live the rest of my life in Korea I will NEVER get used to one thing. No, it's not the food, it's not the constant staring, and it's not the hundreds of Asian people... it's the spitting.

Spitting must be the national past-time of Korea. You thought it was Taekwondo? Nope. Spitting. People think nothing of just hocking up a big chunk of phlegm and letting it go anywhere. Students spit on the floors of the school (the floors they have to mop at the end of the day, makes no sense to me). Old ladies spit on the streets and sidewalks. Teachers spit in to the sink located very close to my desk. All day long, it's a never-ending cacophany of spit and phlegm and mucus and other such nasties.

This begs two questions. One: Why is spitting so incredibly socially accepted in Korea? And two: Why do Koreans have such vast amounts of spitting to do? I have absolutely no idea why spitting isn't shunned as something dirty and private in Korea. Maybe in the U.S., being a country founded by Puritan prudes, we are just overly sensitive to such matters. Everything that comes out of our bodies is deemed dirty and semi-shameful. We cover our coughs, hide our nose blowing, and do everything else behind closed doors. Maybe the Koreans have a different level of freedom than we do.

And the other question, what is up with all of the spitting? Now, there are days, maybe weeks that I go without having to spit. I'm not counting the little spit after brushing your teeth, but serious "manly" spitting. Why are Koreans needing to spit so frequently? Is it the food? There is a persistent rumor that Asians in general are prone to being lactose intolerant. Maybe this spitting has to do with the vast amounts of dairy products here and a high frequency of lactose intolerance. I don't think that this is the real issue. I have no clue why the Korean spit producing glands and tissues are in overdrive here. Maybe it's all of the kim-chi.

So, my life is accompanied by a soundtrack of spitting. Violet Beauregard, in Willy Wonka, was right when she said while picking her nose "spitting is a disgusting habit." How prophetic. Maybe she was referring to Korea.

It's Not Easy Being Enlightened

Well, ever since climbing that mountain in Seosan and visiting the Buddhist temple Gaeshim-sa, I have been living an enlightened life (smerk). With this new-found enlightenment comes certain responsibilities. One is my responsibility to nature and life. I've already honored this by adopting Min Ji. I am so karmically good with the universe right now.

In all seriousness though, I've become sick of my ignorance of Korean language. It's time to put those damned books to use. So, today, I came to school prepared. I have a small notebook that I bought in Seoul. It is a daily vocabulary notebook. There are spots for 4 words a day, and their definitions. The notebook is written in, and propped up on my desk for me to look at all day long. My four words today are: breakfast, lunch, dinner, and tea. I've also brought in my special notebook for writing Korean, it consists of small squares, so you can get used to writing in syllable blocks. I've also got my two Korean books here. I think that the one I bought in the U.S.A. will be more useful right now. The one I bought in Korea is just not doing anything for me.

So, with my free time this morning, I am beginning my push forward into the dark void of my ignorance. Apparently you only need 150 words to converse in Korean. I'm trying to get there. I can't continue to be the stupid American who doesn't speak the language. Dammit, I'm a linguist (kind of) so I should WANT to learn the language. Come hell or high water, that is what I will do. Grrrr.

Making Peace With The Devil

If you look way way back in my blog, to one of my first entries, I outline my feelings on Korean food. There is an entire paragraph devoted to that staple dish of Korea. The one dish that is present at every meal. No, not the rice. I'm speaking of the one Korean dish that foreigners have heard of... kim-chi.

To refresh your memory, kim-chi is a fermented veggie dish. It is made generally from cabbage, but is also made from daikon radish or cucumber. It contains things like garlic and lots and lots of peppers and pepper paste. It is spicy. It is so sour. It is ice cold. And, it is present at EVERY SINGLE MEAL in Korea. I thank God everyday that boendaegi (silk worm larvae) isn't the national dish. I hear that it smells bad and has the consistency of soggy peanuts.

Anyway, I have to say that after months of saying no, that I now say yes. I eat the dreaded kim-chi. Everyday at lunch. Do I like it? No. Why do I eat it? I don't know. It's my own little form of penance. It is my offering to the gods of Korean cultural assimilation. Sometimes I am rewarded with actually good kim-chi, but most often I am not. Oh well. C'est la vie. When in Anseong, do as the Anseongians do.

Oh, The Horror

The other day I took Min Ji for a walk, in her sweatshirt, to visit Victoria and Kim Chi (who has bronchitis now, the dog that is). We walked by the Super English School, which is a hagwon (private after-school academy). I know the teacher here, an Aussie named Marlina.

Well, the kids were out front before class, they were petting the dog. "How old is she?" "Is it a boy or a girl?" "What's her name?" I answered Min Ji. Well, a middle-school aged girl stood up slowly, with a look of horror on her face. She pointed to herself and in a sad sad voice she said "But MY name is Min Ji." Awwww... she's named after a dog. I don't think she will recover soon. I also don't think that her friends at the hagwon will let her forget either.

No Longer Willing

When I first came to Korea I ate most things at lunch. I did not eat the kim-chi, but everything else I ate, or tried. I did this to satisfy my own curiosity and desire to "fit in" and because if you have an empty spot on your tray then ALL of the other teachers have to know what is going on.

Flash forward 2 food poisonings and 5 months (God, can you believe that it's been that long?). I don't feel the need to explore or please anymore. Now at lunch time, if the food scares me, I don't take it. Today, I didn't take 2 of the dishes that were on the menu. I had gotten sick from both of them before, so I'm not tempting fate again. I don't like going to the hospital and getting shots in my backside. So, for lunch today I had rice, kim-chi, and kim-chi soup with tofu. I'll survive.

Still, even though all of the teachers know of my dietary and stomach issues, I have to justify everyday why I didn't want some dish. My favorite was when I told someone that I had gotten sick on this particular dish and did not want it anymore. Her reply was "but it has cheese in it." Oh. Ok. Cheese... well then I guess I'll eat it! NO!! I'm a 28 year old man. I can make my own food decisions. Also, I'm a giant of a man, I'm not exactly starving. I simply don't sugar coat it anymore or try to please the other teachers. I know that they are concerned, but what Korean food enters into my body is my business alone. I'm the one who will suffer if I make a bad choice... not them. Korean food. What can I say that hasn't been said?

Spare The Rod, Spoil The Child

Korean students. Don't let the stereotype of Asian students throw you. My kids are just as bad if not worse than their U.S. counterparts. Let me give you an example.

On monday I started to teach the song "If I Had a Million Dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies. The song is easy and very repetitive. I thought they would enjoy this. I found a great video of the song on youtube.com. I printed out the lyrics and made a picture vocabulary sheet to define the strange new things in the song. I even brought in a box of macaroni and cheese (since the song mentions Kraft dinner).

Well, the class monday did not have a working TV in their room, so we used a computer room. They came in and I said "do not touch the computers, don't touch anything, just sit down." So, naturally, half of the computers were turned on. Students did not listen to anything that I did. They would not stop talking, they would not leave the computers alone, they would not do a simple "repeat after me."

That's it. I'm done working to prepare things that they will enjoy. Korean students shit all over everything that you plan. So, I will do nothing but book work from now on. I get paid the same if I'm a boring teacher as if I'm a good and exciting teacher. I'm done with candy, games, puzzles, movies, music, and videos. There is no sense in me using my time and money to help them when they just ruin it and don't care. So, this is what Korean students are really like. Now I know why they get hit so much by the teachers. Where's my kid-hitting-stick?

If They Only Knew

English is very popular. Let me rephrase that... English writing is very popular. It's on all shirts here. It does not matter what it says, as long as it's English. English music is very popular as well. No one knows what is being said, but popular nonetheless.

The other day I was in my local mom & pop grocery store, just to pick up some milk and things. The music playing in the store was that old 2 Live Crew song... "Heyyyy We Want Some Pussy." Wow. Did they have any clue? Is this music appropriate to shop by?

Another English teacher I met told me about a young kid she saw. The child was middle school aged, wearing an English t-shirt that said "I'm too drunk to fuck." Now, why would this be printed on a tiny little t-shirt for a child?

When you see these things it makes you stop and shake your head. It's the worst of English culture and it's all over the place. Aren't you proud?

Chilly Mornings

Well, the first morning walk at 6am with Min Ji was nice, but it was chilly. She was shaking quite a bit since she has no fur at all. So today I had to do something I've never thought I'd have to do. I bought her a doggie sweatshirt. It seems to do the job, and it covers up her rat-like nakedness.

She won't look at the camera. Here she is in mid head shake.

And here is a new picture of Kim Chi after she has filled out and grown some hair. She needs a grooming. Notice how good she poses for pictures.

The New Lady In My Life

Last night, after school, I went to the animal shelter again. I did it. I have a dog. I don't know if I'm crazy or what. She's a maltese, and I named her Min Ji. Min Ji is a Korean name meaning "great cleverness," so I'm hoping that she lives up to the name. When I first saw the dog she was covered in long fur, when I picked her up, they had shaved her down. So, I will show you some pics of the dog, but remember she's had a very bad haircut. Don't pass judgement for another couple of months. Min Ji does stand up and beg for food, clearly a sign of her past owner. Why bother to teach a dog tricks if you're going to get rid of it? I don't understand it. So, here she is... Min Ji.

Tongue Twister Challenge From Hell

What is up with Japanese game shows? I don't understand them, but they're fun to observe from very very very very far away. How about this clip of a tonguetwister challenge. You do not want to be on the losing end of this battle.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers...

http://www.glumbert.com/media/tonguetwister

UPDATE: this is not a tongue twister. The Japanese teacher looked at it and said that it is a speed reading competition. They are reading about squid. The guys are her favorite comedian/gag men.

Companionship

I'm lonely. I have very good friends in Korea, but I miss having someone in my house. So, I'm seriously toying with the idea of getting a dog. I know that this might be a bit of a hassle, but it worked out well for Victoria. So, yesterday I went to the animal shelter to see what they have.

It's kind of strange. They show you a picture of the dog off of the computer, but they don't show you the actual dog. I'm sure they'll show you any dog in person, but it's kind of interesting.

Now, because Victoria is a great friend and I am with her and her dog all of the time, I would get a female, so that there is no chance for my dog and Victoria's dog to contribute to the abundance of dogs in Korea. I'm also going to have to get a small dog, the kind that can be carried around in a small bag/carrier. This might be a birthday gift to myself. Also, since I plan on traveling and teaching, I want a dog I can take with me.

Oh, the shelter won't give me a dog unless I promise to take it with me to the U.S.A. They don't want to get the dog back in 6 months, I'm sure that's a huge problem. So, the next few days/weeks will show wether or not I get a dog. It would be nice to have something to come home to. Then comes the pressure of a name.

You Want Me To Eat What?

On thursday, I was informed that we (the teachers) were going out to dinner (not a choice). The parents of our students took us out. I have to admit that our parents at our school are really great. They bring the teachers things all of the time. Usually it's fresh fruit, sometimes it's gim-bap (sushi rolls, but all cooked, nothing raw), dinner, drinks, all kinds of things. The other times we went out to eat it was to Korean barbeque. This time, I was informed that we were going out for pig's feet. Excuse me?

We arrived at the restaurant. Korean restaurants serve one thing, and that's it. So, we sat down at the table (on the floor). I figured that at the very worst, I could simply eat side dishes and avoid the main course. However, on the table was nothing but the meat. The only other things on the table were condiments for the pig's feet. Lettuce to wrap it in, kim-chi, some pepper sauce, little brine shrimp, and radish. There was a variety of the meat, cold and hot.

I did my part, I ate 3 pieces of the meat, one cold and two hot. It was the saltiest and fattiest piece of meat that I have ever eaten. After the three I stopped eating. The other teachers were concerned, I said that I was fine. I simply began drinking... thank God for soju!

Later in the meal, one of the teachers ordered me some rice and bean sprouts. I was glad for the rice and sprouts, but other things came with it. Soup, which I normally like, but it was just filled with floating slices of jalapeno-like peppers, I couldn't eat it because it was so hot. There was also lotus root merinated in something which was too much for me to eat, and little baby crabs covered in red pepper paste. I told the other teachers to please help themselves. The crabs were raw and you eat the ENTIRE thing, shell and all.

This was a crazy night out. It wasn't horrible, it was just different. I was fine with the little food I did have, and I enjoyed the company of my fellow teachers. On the other hand... I won't be going out for pig's feet again.

God Bless The U.S. Military

Today Victoria and I went off to the U.S. Airforce base at Pyeongtaek. Victoria has her veteran's card, and we were going to go to the post office, lunch at Chili's, and try to get into the BX to do some shopping. We got to the base and ran into some people from the new teacher orientation (remember, where I was food poisoned???).

Dini and James were presenters at orientation, and they remembered me (I'm hard to forget). We mentioned what we were doing there, and when we mentioned lunch at Chili's they told us that we were at the wrong base. We needed to go to the Osan base, located in Songtan. They gave us a ride.

Victoria found out that she couldn't get onto the base. Annoying. Dini got us into the base with her card (her husband James is a retired military guy). Anyway, they took us around the base. I was able to mail some packages home at a nice cheap price. We did some shopping at a convenience store, where we were able to buy great U.S. products. These included pepto bismol, nyquil, bologna, nachos, salsa, whoppers (the candy), corned beef hash, taco fixins. A total coup.

Dini and James took us to a free lunch held by the Veteran's support people. So, for lunch we didn't have Chili's. Instead we had New York strip steak, real salad with real dressing, corn bread, baked potatoe, sour cream, and chocolate cake. For free! This was the biggest piece of beef that I've seen in Korea. They do this every saturday!

Dini and James were a great help to us. They live only one town away, and have offered to help us out with anything that we need, including more trips to the base. On top of everything, they're super nice people. James is a tall and big guy, so he knows where I can get shoes and clothes and things. So, it's good to have connections that have been here for 5 years. A great day.

A Thing Of Beauty

I am in Korea, a land of beauty. From the beauty of the mountains, to the beautiful national flower, the Rose of Sharon. From the traditional dress of Korea, the hanbok, to the beauty of a vibrant green rice paddy.

Nothing has been more beautiful to me than this.
A big pot of good ole' American Kraft mac n' cheese. Mmmmm... nothing spells loving to me like this, the ultimate comfort food. This has made my week and made my day... quite possibly my whole year. So, take it in. A thing of beauty.

The Mundane

I have gotten several emails. "Why haven't you posted anything new?" Well, the answer is simple. My life is boring.

This week I have been busy with the mundane and boring existence of an English teacher. I make copies, teach classes, take students' cell phones, host detention. The usual. My life is surprisingly dull and monotonous.

I am now periodically losing my voice. I believe it to be a combination of the air conditioning, the fans blowing on me, and the constant loud talking I have to do. The life of an English teacher here is a bit strenuous on the vocal cords. I'm always speaking slowly and loudly. The students never entirely shut-up, so I'm always talking over someone. Since my life here is as a human tape recording, I'm constantly talking. Doing this all day leaves my voice very hoarse and my throat sore.

The only exciting thing to report this week is that I have mastered the origami crane. I have made many many cranes. Victoria wants them to hang in her classroom. The legend is that if you make 1000 cranes that your wish will come true. I'm well on my way to 1000. I've made 79 cranes so far.